When Your Child Is in Control: Understanding Child-to-Parent Violence and Finding a Way Forward
When we first hold our newborn, many of us carry dreams of the kind of parent we’ll be. We hope to nurture, love, and guide our children through life with patience and strength. We expect some bumps along the way—the tantrums of toddlerhood, the testing of boundaries. These challenges are part of the parenting journey, and we prepare for them as best we can.
But what happens when those challenges don’t fade with time? What happens when your child doesn’t “grow out of it,” and instead becomes increasingly controlling, aggressive, or even violent?
Maybe it started out small—cute even. But over time, things began to shift. Now you find yourself walking on eggshells to avoid an outburst. You cook meal after meal that’s never quite right. You’re told what you can and can’t say. You’re not allowed in certain rooms. Your child’s outbursts have become physically aggressive, and you do everything you can to avoid triggering them.
Gradually, without even realising it, you’ve lost your sense of authority—and both you and your child know who’s in charge. And it’s not you.
You're Not Alone
If this sounds familiar, please know this: You are not alone. And you are not a bad parent.
The shock, grief, shame, and confusion that come with this realisation can be devastating. But what you are experiencing is more common than most people realise—and it has a name.
Child and Adolescent to Parent Violence and Abuse (CAPVA) is a growing but often misunderstood issue in Australia and around the world. It refers to a pattern of abusive or controlling behaviour—physical, emotional, verbal, or even financial—by children or adolescents toward their parents or caregivers. In some cases, these behaviours begin as early as age five.
Like the well-known "boiled frog" analogy, CAPVA often builds slowly. The change is so gradual that by the time parents realise the severity of what’s happening, they may feel completely trapped. Hearing the word “violence” used in connection with your own child can be painful, even unthinkable. The guilt and shame can be paralysing. But this is not your fault.
CAPVA is a complex and multifaceted phenomenon. There is no single cause, and no single type of family it affects. It’s not a result of “bad” parenting—it’s a situation that calls for understanding, support, and a new way of responding.
A New Way Forward: What Is NVR?
So, what can you do when traditional parenting strategies no longer work?
One approach that is showing promise around the world is Non-Violent Resistance (NVR). This structured, compassionate model supports parents and caregivers in regaining their confidence and presence—without resorting to punishment or escalating conflict.
Inspired by attachment theory, family systems work, and the non-violent social movements of leaders like Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr., NVR provides parents with tools to shift the dynamic at home—firmly, gently, and with clarity.
How NVR Helps Parents
The NVR approach can help you:
Step out of exhausting power struggles and find a calmer centre.
Set clear, loving boundaries that don’t escalate conflict.
Rebuild connection with your child through consistent, non-reactive presence.
Let go of guilt and respond with strength and self-compassion.
Reclaim your role as a parent, grounded in influence—not control.
NVR is not a quick fix. It’s a deeply respectful and transformative process that requires commitment and support. But many parents who’ve felt helpless in the face of child-to-parent violence have found renewed hope and connection through this model.
How We Can Work Together
I offer a 12-session NVR program tailored to your individual circumstances. We begin with an initial conversation to understand your family’s unique situation and explore whether NVR is the right fit for you.
Parenting a child who is aggressive, controlling, or emotionally volatile can feel overwhelming and isolating. You don’t have to go through it alone—and you don’t have to carry the shame.
If this post resonates with you, or if you’re curious about whether the NVR approach could help in your home, I warmly invite you to get in touch. Together, we can take the first step toward healing, connection, and a renewed sense of strength.
