10 Gentle Tips for Moving Through Grief
Becoming a mother awakened a whole new layer of grief; it was like losing my own mum all over again. Nobody prepared me for the loss I would feel, but the initiation into motherhood brought with it an aching for my mother’s company, for her wisdom and her love.
Before I say more—if you are reading this because you have recently lost somebody special, my sincere and deepest condolences are with you. If you are struggling to understand how life will ever feel OK again, I hear you.
My mum’s death was the most profound and excruciatingly painful experience of my life. It still takes my breath away if I linger with the memory for even a moment. At the time, I was completely zeroed by it. Unable to function, fuzzy-headed, I waded through the day like a swamp monster. She haunted my dreams—I would relive those final months of her dying. For a few seconds upon waking, I could not find reality. Where was I? It was a world I was unfamiliar with, because she wasn’t in it. My body screamed with pain; my heart was dark with sorrow.
Despite my deep connection to yoga, Eastern philosophy teachings, and psychotherapy, I felt completely untethered. I understood that my nervous system was in overwhelm, and yet this understanding made it no less challenging to live with the sensation that I had been steamrolled by a tank.
I was assured that in time I would feel her presence—that her love was in me. Instead, her goneness enveloped and suffocated me. Each month, the moon appeared in all its splendour, reminding me that the gentle flow of life continues regardless. To quote the brilliant poet John O’Donohue, “Gradually, you will learn acquaintance with the invisible form of your departed.” I discovered that this was, in fact, the truth—and even that became a painful truth to bear.
And I sit here now, writing, remembering, in the hopes that it will give some solace to somebody out there who is on page 1 of their loss. Grief is one of the most deeply human experiences we can go through. Whether it arrives suddenly or is anticipated, it can shake us to our core—emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
If you’re grieving right now, know that you are not alone, and there is no “right” way to do this. Here are some gentle reminders and tips that may support you during this time:
1. Don’t Compare Your Grief
Grief is as unique as the relationship you’ve lost. It can be tempting to compare your experience to others—how long they took to "move on," how they’re coping, or how they express their emotions. But your loss is yours alone, and so is the path you take through it. Give yourself permission to feel exactly what you feel, without judgment.
2. Grief Is Physical Too
Many people are surprised by the physical toll grief can take. It might show up as stomach pain, joint aches, headaches, an aching heart, trouble sleeping, or even panic attacks. The stress of grief can also weaken your immune system, making you more susceptible to illness.
Some studies suggest that people may feel pain in the part of the body connected to their loved one’s cause of death. If you’re experiencing persistent physical symptoms, it’s wise to check in with your GP—just in case.
3. Recognise the Nervous System’s Response
Grief can trigger a full-body stress response. You might feel anxiety, irritability, restlessness, hypervigilance, muscle tension, fatigue, or a strong desire to withdraw. People often expect sadness—but feel blindsided by this kind of physical and emotional overwhelm.
Understanding that this is your nervous system in stress can help you respond with compassion and seek ways to soothe and support it.
4. Expect to Move Between Two Worlds
It’s normal to shift between two emotional states: one where you feel the raw pain of loss, and another where you begin to glimpse a reality without your person. That second state often comes with guilt or resistance—as if allowing yourself to adapt means you’re letting go.
These shifts are part of the process. Allow both to exist without forcing one away.
5. Mixed Emotions Are Okay
Relationships are rarely simple. When someone dies, all sorts of feelings can surface—love, anger, regret, confusion. It's okay to hold seemingly contradictory emotions at once.
Grief can stir up unresolved wounds or things left unsaid. This, too, is a normal part of the grieving process.
6. Tell Your Story
Telling the story of your loss—whether out loud or in writing—is one of the ways our brains process trauma. Speaking it helps you move through denial and begin to make sense of your new reality.
Repeat it as many times as you need. It’s not indulgent; it’s healing.
7. Let Nature Support You
Nature really is medicine for the nervous system. Spending time outdoors, even briefly, can have a grounding and calming effect. If you're feeling overwhelmed, try stepping outside and looking up at the sky, listening to the wind, or touching the earth.
It doesn’t have to be a long hike—just a moment of connection.
8. Prioritise Rest and Sleep
Grief is exhausting, yet sleep often feels impossible. Being in bed alone may feel uncomfortable, even when you’re deeply tired. But rest is essential—it's how our brains begin to heal from profound change.
Try naps. Try resting without expectation. Be patient with yourself. Your body is carrying so much.
9. Expect the Loss to Surface Again (and Again)
After the initial months and years—after the “firsts” like birthdays, anniversaries, or holidays—you may begin to feel the sharp edges of grief soften. Then, one day, something might happen (big or small), and the loss hits you all over again.
This is normal. It doesn’t mean you’re back at the beginning. It means you still love them.
10. Reach Out If You Need Support
There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and no set timeline. But if the intensity of your grief feels unmanageable, or if you’re feeling stuck, you might benefit from talking to someone.
A trained professional can walk alongside you, help soothe your nervous system, and support you in finding ways to live with your loss.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
They say that time heals all wounds, and for many, time does ease the intensity of grief. But sometimes, time alone isn’t enough. If you’re feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or simply in need of someone to talk to, know that you don’t have to go through it alone.
I offer an integrative, compassionate therapeutic space where you can feel seen, heard, and supported—where we can explore your grief together and help your nervous system find safety again.
If this speaks to you, I’d love to hear from you.
