Attachment theory and attachment parenting - what it is, and what it isn’t.

If you’ve spent any time in mothers’ groups, on parenting forums, in therapy, or just being human, chances are you’ve come across the idea of attachment.

So why all the hype? Is it really as important as people say?
The answer is… yes—and no. Let’s break it down in a way that makes sense.

What Is Attachment, Really?

At its core, attachment is the deep connection we form with the people closest to us. But it’s not just about love—it's actually about survival. From the moment we’re born, we’re wired to seek out someone who will keep us safe.

Nature gives babies built-in behaviours—like crying when separated or wanting constant closeness—that serve one key purpose: to stay near a protective adult. If the attachment is strong, that adult becomes highly motivated to care for and protect the child. It’s a powerful, biological system designed to ensure we’re fed, sheltered, and nurtured.

This isn’t just a human thing—many mammals demonstrate attachment behaviour. In humans, the person a baby typically attaches to is the one who spends the most time with them, often (but not always) the mother.

Is This What “Attachment Parenting” Is About?

Here’s where things get a little tricky. Somewhere along the way, ideas from attachment research were picked up and shaped into a parenting philosophy now commonly known as attachment parenting. It’s well-meaning, but often overly simplified.

You might have heard that in order to form a secure attachment, you must baby-wear, co-sleep, breastfeed, and never take a moment for yourself. While there's absolutely nothing wrong with doing any of those things (if they feel right for you), they are not the formula for secure attachment.

Attachment isn’t about ticking off a list of parenting practices—it’s about how emotionally connected and responsive a caregiver is. You can co-sleep and still feel emotionally distant. You can bottle-feed and still foster a deeply secure bond.

What Actually Builds a Secure Attachment?

Every baby will form an attachment to their primary caregiver. That part is a given. But the quality of that attachment—whether it’s secure or insecure—depends on how consistently the caregiver is emotionally available and attuned to the baby’s needs.

A secure attachment is more likely when a caregiver is calm, emotionally present, and able to notice and respond sensitively to their baby’s cues.

If you’ve had difficult early relationships yourself—maybe you felt rejected, unseen, or overly responsible—you might find it harder to respond calmly or feel safe in close emotional relationships. And you might not even realise this is happening, because these patterns often play out unconsciously.

No amount of baby-wearing can resolve that deeper emotional history.

It Runs Deep—Even Across Generations

Some fascinating research has even shown that an infant’s attachment style can be predicted by interviewing their grandmother. That tells us something profound: attachment patterns often run across generations.

Researchers have observed incredibly subtle signs—like a fleeting facial expression, a slight hesitation before offering comfort, or a baby’s gaze looking away—that hint at a caregiver’s internal emotional world. These signs might not be visible to an untrained eye, but they tell a story about what’s being passed down, silently, from one generation to the next.

Here’s the Hope

Yes, your own attachment style can influence your relationship with your child. And if there’s insecurity there, it might show up. But that’s not the end of the story. Attachment is not set in stone.

With self-awareness, reflection, support, and sometimes therapy, it's entirely possible to move from insecure to secure. This is often called earned secure attachment, and it’s one of the most hopeful findings in this field. Healing is real, and it’s possible—even in adulthood.

And the Best News?

Parenting isn’t about being perfect. In fact, trying to be perfect can actually create unrealistic expectations for your child about how relationships work. What children need isn’t perfection—they need connection, repair, and your good enough presence.

You’re allowed to get it wrong sometimes. What matters most is showing up, being open to learning, and reconnecting after the inevitable missteps. That’s how secure relationships are built.

So, if all this attachment stuff feels overwhelming, just know: your child doesn’t need you to be perfect. They need you to try, to care, and to keep coming back. That’s enough. Really.

Interested in Exploring Your Own Attachment?

If this has sparked something in you—whether it’s curiosity, reflection, or even a bit of discomfort—you’re not alone. Our early attachment experiences can shape so much of how we show up in relationships, including how we parent.

If you’d like to explore your own attachment patterns more deeply or begin healing in a safe, supportive space, I offer integrative psychotherapy with a focus on connection, compassion, and lasting change.
Feel free to reach out. I’d love to hear from you.